The Original Hollywood Squares
I’m not old enough to remember the original show, but these are funny nonetheless.
Those of us old enough to remember the original Hollywood Squares game show will appreciate these. They are actual quotes from the old show of the 1970’s when responses were truly spontaneous.
Paul Lynde was one especially funny guy. Keep smiling!
Q: If youre going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charlie Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it?
Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That’s what has been keeping me awake all night.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a
party,
and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay
to come out
directly and ask if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charlie Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say I love you?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
pineapple and a twenty.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget! Q: Paul, why do Hells Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: Charley, youve just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charlie Weaver: Of course not, Peter. Im too
busy
growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at a
nudist camp. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: Charlie, according to Ann Landers, is there
anything wrong
with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charlie Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body.
What is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly is not neglected!
Q: Charlie, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 lbs?
A: Charlie Weaver: A divorcee.
Q: Back in the old days, when great grandpa put
horseradish
on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it into his mouth.
Q: Paul, who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charlie Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, but the rest is up to him.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charlie Weaver: His feet?
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mothers womb.
Can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Q: Paul, why was Nathan Hale hung?
A: Paul Lynde: Heredity, I guess.
Speaking of Paul Lynde, in Lexicon Devil (the story of Darby Crash’s Life), there’s a nice little section about Paul Lynde and his latent homosexuality. Quite interesting….
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